Archive for February, 2003

Tragedy in Nal-Ottawa

Sunday, February 9th, 2003

Organized crime was struck a blow today when noted gangster and crime lord Jabba the Hutt passed away. Details are yet unknown, but so far officials have released the following information:

Jabba was captured and taken into custody Sunday morning by CF officials just outside the core world of Chicagoscant. He had erected a smaller yet accurate copy of his Tattooine throne room on the upscale planet of R-Lingtin Hites and was, according to authorities, holding some sort of celebratory gathering.

Due to the size and nature of the Hutt, the Force had to call in their Hazardous Materials truck (Hazmatt) to provide transportation. Jabba was loaded into the vehicle and secured with a gray covering and a rope-like substance.

The Hazmatt vehicle left Chicagoscant and headed south on Imperial highway Fifty-Five (I-55), maintaining a constant speed of 55 MPH (moles per hectare? Hey, if Han can travel a distance in less than 12 parsecs….and have you tried going 55 on the Stevenson? That is the posted limit, but people normally do 80). The trip progressed without incident until they reached Imperial highway Eighty.

Upon turning west onto I-80, the unit was faced with a 35 MPH headwind. This combined with their ground speed of 55 MPH to give a combined airspeed of 90 MPH. The gray covering holding Jabba the Hutt from escape was not designed for such velocities, and it was not long before one of the supporting grommets tore from its fabric and revealed the Huttese crime-lord to the elements.

A word of explanation here for our loyal readers: it is not common knowledge, but Jabba has a rather large indentation in the back of his cranium (watch the movie again, you’ll see it). Also, his skin is very thin and fragile at this point. When the protective tarpaulin was removed, the gale-force air current set up a vortex action between the vehicle and Jabba, causing dire effects. One dismembered arm was caught in the maelstrom and impacted the rear window where it, according to one witness, “stuck there, plaintive and sad, like it was trying to hold on, then it was gone.”

The rush of atmosphere continued its path of destruction. An exposed flap of skin caught in the current and peeled back, exposing the viscera of the great slug. The transport operators immediately brought the vehicle to a stop, but it was too late, the damage had been done. Unable to repair the damage, even to find any of the violently removed pieces, they continued on to the penal colony of Nal-Ottawa.

The remainder of the trip was not kind Jabba’s corpse. Now fully exposed to the wind, small bits and pieces felt free to detach themselves and spread over a large stretch of road. When the transport arrived at its destination, little remained of the once great piece of slime-ridden filth. One of the pilots, who had grown quite close to Jabba during their time together, was taken by his emotions and weeped openly at the sight, causing one passerby to exclaim, “Jeez, Matthew, you’re such a freak. Why did I even marry you in the first place?”

While Jabba is no longer with us, and his time on this plane of existence was brief, we have the comfort that he was laid to rest with the full honors of a crime-lord befitting his stature–in empty dumpster behind an anonymous car wash.

CapriCon 2003

Saturday, February 8th, 2003

On February 8, 2003, Chicago Force descended upon the annual CapriCon Convention in Arlington Heights, IL and hosted yet another of their themed room parties.

CF room parties have, over the years, generally progressed in an escalating manner. There has been the simple “Club Sith” to “Dagobah” to the horror that was styrofoam packing peanuts and “Hoth”. This year we decided to do “Jabba the Hutt’s Throne Room” from “Return of the Jedi”. To facilitate this, the convention had donated a 25’x45′ conference room on the main floor, a dance floor, and any furniture that we required.

Planning for this party started months prior and involved many, many people. Those that were there can attest to the success (or lack there of) of this endeavour. Not all of our plans made it to the end, but here is what we did have when the night arrived:


Green-skinned Gammorrean Guard at the door
Blast door and TT-8L droid
Life-sized Jabba the Hutt, tail lovingly wrapped around Salacious Crumb
Full-sized, three-dimensional Han Solo, frozen in Carbonite
Max Rebo and a live band
R2-D2 serving drinks in the corner
Red, blue, and green-skinned Twi’lek slave girls, dancing for Jabba’s (and everyone else’s) pleasure
Yarna, with all six breasts
Boba Fett
Luke Skywalker (where’d he get the beard, though?)


Sound like a party? It was.

Standing guard at the door, I got to witness a lot of people’s first reaction to seeing the room. Almost every one would stop at the door, not quite believing what they saw. 85 percent of them uttered some sort of expletive in awe. I don’t think I saw anyone visit just once. People would leave for a few minutes, only to return to where they knew the party was.

I could spend several more paragraphs listing all the compliments that people gave us, so it was a little disappointing when we didn’t pick up the award for Best Party. After the award was given, though, the con staff spent a few moments giving us a special mention, using phrases like “just awesome” and “I’m speechless”.

So many people contributed to the making of this event that any list is bound to leave someone out, but I am going to try:

Shauna, Heather, Thom, Caroline for making the best all-time party prop ever: a life-sized Jabba the Hutt. It’s a shame he didn’t make it home. Han in Carbonite got some compliments, so I’ll thank myself for that. Heather and Le Penguin for Max Rebo; seeing the blue DJ really added credibility to the whole thing. Caroline, Danielle, and Loree for being such delicious slave girls, and braving the oogling of every male in sight. Jason and Erica for the R2-D2 cooler, and lastly, but certainly not least of all, everyone that helped put this thing together Saturday afternoon: Matt, Dave, Heather, Shauna, Carrie, Ginna, Danielle, Caroline, Erica, Jeff, Bob, Phil, Thom, Ray, Patrick, Trisha, and anyone else whom I might have forgotten….this was certainly a team effort, and was only made possible by everyone pitching in and doing their part. Thank you all, it was a night to remember.

And here I am, babbling along, and all you really want to see is the pictures, right? Well, the wait is over…